You know it’s not good for you, but still it wells up inside you, seeps from your pores, corrodes your insides and ruins your chances for future happiness. Bitterness isn’t good, how do you fight it?
First, know what it is. Know it every time it happens. Put simply, being bitter is about being upset at her for being who she is. When you call her “that bitch,” you’re being bitter. When you blame her for the circumstances you’re in, that’s bitter. When your blood boils because of something she’s done, something she’s doing, something she’s not doing, that’s bitterness.
You’ll never move onto the next stage, move on to that better place, until you can fight that bitterness. And that’s all you have to do: fight it. You don’t have to win, you don’t have to put it behind you, you don’t have to be better than you’re capable of being. Just fight it. That’s where you start.
So here’s the key to fighting bitterness. Realize these THREE crucial things:
She does what she does because she’s in pain. It’s mostly pain she won’t acknowledge, pain she blames on you, pain she doesn’t know how to resolve. Maybe it’s pain she doesn’t deserve to have, shouldn’t have, isn’t your fault. Doesn’t matter, the reasons, good or bad, don’t take away the fact that she’s suffering. People who suffer can’t be their best selves.
Hey, you’re suffering too. Lots of people are suffering worse than she is. She doesn’t have the right to make her suffering cause other peoples’ lives to be worse, right? Doesn’t matter! She isn’t capable of preventing her suffering from affecting you poorly, because she’s limited. And don’t try to diagnose how exactly she’s limited, don’t make it a discussion about all her worst qualities. It’s just a plain fact: she has limitations and these mean that her suffering will result in actions that affect you negatively.
When you see someone suffering, you want to help. At least on your best days, you do. When that person is limited, you want to lend your strength to them, if you have enough to give. DOESN’T MATTER. You are the one person who cannot help her. You cannot help her directly. You cannot help her indirectly. You cannot help her - if you could, you would have done so already, but you couldn’t, and now your marriage is over. Accept that fact and it will be better for you both.
She’s Suffering. She’s Limited. You Cannot Help Her. That should be your mantra every time you feel that bitter bile rising up in your throat. Realize these facts and accept them. Use them to fight bitterness. It’s a long road, the fight may have no end in sight. But these are the keys to winning someday, someday.